"Micromanagement is the destroyer of momentum." - Miles Anthony Smith
Do you ever struggle with micromanaging? Feeling like your way is the only way that works?
If so, you probably have what I call: A "let's do it my way" personality.
Now let's flip the coin to the spouse who is married to a "let's do it my way" person…
Do you know what it's like to feel like your way is never good enough? Like no matter how you try to help, it never measures up to someone's standards?
Well, this resembles the honest confessions of my own husband, and it has been a much needed reality check for me.
Less Micromanaging Calls for Humility
Ever since I can remember, I have had a micromanaging personality. I know this is a typical first-born trait, so it’s not a surprise that throughout my childhood, I had some bossy tendencies.
I think that some of these tendencies we can outgrow as time goes on and we mature. However, some parts of this “do it my way” trait are extremely hard to bridle.
My husband is the middle child of his family and pretty go-with-the-flow. It takes a lot for him to show a temper or even express how he’s feeling, because life is pretty alright, ya know? That is, until it’s not.
When the stress of life arises, we all have a certain way of coping. Over the years, I have realized that I go into this weird micromanaging role as a means of controlling whatever I can.
My husband has had to tell me on several occasions: “Kalista, you have your way of doing things. And I have my way. And they BOTH work.”
I can think of three examples off the top of my head.
1. Vacuuming the carpet
2. Giving our son a bath (and really, anything related to our son)
3. Fixing meals/Cleaning up the kitchen
I remember the carpet scenario like it was yesterday…
We were a few years into marriage, and my husband was helping me clean the house.
We had a large list of things to get done that day, and I started micromanaging everything he did.
It got so bad that I told him which outlet to plug the vacuum into and how I wanted the lines to look on the carpet when he was done.
He finally stopped what he was doing and said those famous words (quite sternly), “Kalista, you have your way of doing things. And I have mine. And they BOTH work.”
I wish I could say that was the only time I micromanaged my husband…
Since I gave you the vacuum example, you don’t really need to hear about the “bathing our son” debacle. I'm sure you can imagine what that was like. (I will share the fixing meals/cleaning up example below).
So I can’t help but ask myself why I get into these micromanaging modes. Like it’s “my way or the highway,” and no one else’s way is better than mine.
Some of it is certainly a means of feeling in control, particularly in times of stress. Some of it is engrained into my personality. And some of it is just downright pride. As if my way is the only way that works.
Sidenote: Marriage continues to challenge my pride, and that’s one of the reasons I am SO grateful for it. We NEED things to challenge our pride. We need opportunities to humble ourselves and remember that life isn’t about what we want or how we think things should be.
Life is much better with a team-work mentality.
Cultivate a Team-mentality in your Marriage
It sounds cliche, but having a team-mentality is crucial for your marriage.
You. Are. A. Team.
And, you are each a valuable member of the team.
If you picture a sports team, all the players have different talents and responsibilities, right? Whatever goal this team is trying to reach, they have to work together to get there.
Some weeks, you may have a team member who is struggling, and the others have to pick up the slack. Some weeks, you may be struggling, and your hope would be that the team can stand in the gap for you.
Either way, teamwork is a necessary means to reach your desired goal.
Now I realize that marriage is not an actual sport.
And it's not a large team with multiple people trying to reach a goal.
It's two people, (often with many differences), on one team, journeying through life together.
There are times that your team-mate (A.K.A: your spouse), is going to do things differently than you.
There are times you will want to micromanage their actions.
There are times you will not agree.
But in times like this, I want you to think of this question:
How can we work as a team to accomplish our goals?
If what your spouse is doing is contributing to the overall picture of your marriage, just let it be (example below).
It's OK if you do things differently. It's OK if it doesn't end up exactly how you want it.
As with a sports team, you have to trust your team-mates.
Micromanaging shows a lack of trust in your spouse, and often times, this will cause more damage than good. The situation you are trying to make better just ends up in a mess of frustration.
So to all my micromanaging people: If a goal is being accomplished here, we need to change our mindsets to thankfulness that it's getting done, regardless of if it's getting done exactly how we would do it.
(If it's not accomplishing a goal, ask yourself: Is this really hurting anything? Like I just mentioned, sometimes micromanaging causes more harm than whatever is annoying you, simply because it's not the time or place to give your input).
Last Micromanaging Example
I'll close with the cooking example:
My husband and I cook very differently. We also clean up very differently.
My husband is wonderful at whipping things together and making up recipes that surprisingly turn out delicious. He is ALSO wonderful at making a mess while he is preparing the meal!
(I couldn't resist the Cookie Monster GIF).
For me on the other hand... I like to follow recipes to a T (otherwise, my "whipping things together" turns catastrophic). I also like to use the least amount of dishes possible, and, clean up as I'm cooking to avoid a giant mess at the end. (Is this not the best way to do it?!) (Kidding).
So can you see how I would be very tempted every time my husband cooks to micromanage?
However, I have learned over the years that me micromanaging Alex's cooking does not make him want to cook more often. It makes him feel like there's a chirping bird over his shoulder telling him the "proper" way to do things.
And let's be honest: no one wants to make a meal with that annoying pressure!
((Now I'm not saying that we can't ever compromise. Like he has told me before that he will try to make less of a mess when he cooks.))
My point is that instead of micromanaging my husband while he cooks a meal, I should be thankful that he is cooking, and all I have to do that night is clean up.
What he is doing is contributing to the overall goal of feeding our family, and I can get on board with that. Even if it means there will be a mess at the end.
Final Thoughts
I do understand there are times when you may feel the need to give your spouse advice, and this is not always bad or wrong. However, I strongly urge you: Check your heart and check your motives first.
If you are approaching your spouse with any sort of resentment in your heart towards what he/she is doing or isn't doing, that conversation probably needs to wait.
There's a better way to go about conversations like that. Trust me!
(I would recommend doing this during a marriage meetup. If you haven't read our blogs on marriage meetings yet, here's some of the latest: What is a Marriage Meeting? ... The 5 Benefits of a Weekly Marriage Meeting ... A Marriage Meetup May Be Your Game-changer).
But, we also have services for you at Skills for Marriage to learn how to have these hard conversations with your spouse. Sometimes it really helps to have someone guiding you in facilitating discussions like this.
If you are interested in our coaching services, you can apply for coaching here.
We would love to come alongside you no matter where you are on your marriage journey.
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